Thursday, June 11, 2015

Muchness


This is how I felt during my marriage. Like I wasn't me anymore, like I had to be pretty and pleasing and perfect so that Jules (I will call him Husband no longer) and his friends would love me. 
Pretty and pleasing and perfect are a touch difficult to manage when you're strange and unusual. I felt that I laughed too loud, liked the wrong things, wore the wrong clothes, listened to the wrong music, and I changed for him. And I lost my muchness. The things that made me ME, the wonderful, imperfect being that I am, the thing that smiles when it's raining, the thing that sighs at the beauty of the full moon, the thing that writes songs about cute boys. 

I made what, five songs during a ten year relationship feeling like it was somehow forbidden to express my own voice. I stopped writing during my marriage. 
I faded. 

And now something happened. 
Actually, many small things happened. Most of them happened inside my head, and... 


One might think that it takes a man to save a broken woman. 
Bullcrap, I tells you. 

I have come to many realizations within four weeks. 

1. I am important. Even if I'm not important to every single person on this planet. I'm important to me, my friends, my family, to those I love most. I am the most important person in my life, and I will never forget that again. 

2. I can do much more than I give myself credit for. This I realized after our group performed at a local event about a month ago. We we're three dancers short, and had to perfect our heavily modded choreography outside in twenty minutes. We spent that time smiling, and saying "you can do it" to each other, and we nailed it. Everything went perfectly, and I felt so proud of all of them, and realized that I was a part of it, and I should feel proud of myself as well. 
And I did. 

3. The quote above is something I stumbled upon on Pinterest. Both of them, actually, but I mean the lower one. 
Anyone can make you smile, many people can make you cry, but it takes someone really special to make you smile with tears in your eyes. 
It's not another person. It's me. And it should be that person to everyone. We should all love ourselves so much that it overwhelms us. 
Happiness does not come from the things around us. It comes from within. 

4. I don't need anyone's permission to be a strong, beautiful woman. I don't need anyone's permission to be me. I don't need to listen to anyone's opinion about the way I dress or the way I laugh too loud or how I like to eat or how I refuse to wear a lot of make-up or anything. This is me and if you don't like it, someone else will like it more. 


That's me on World Goth Day. I thought of something beautiful as I snapped the picture. 
The something beautiful was that there must be a boy out there who will like me for who I am. 

Yes, I know I just said that a woman does not need a man to save her. 
I just really like them. 

Who was it who said "after we have lost everything, we are free to do anything"? I've never really understood what it meant. 
Now I do. 

I'm free now. And I kinda like it. I've gotten my muchness back. 

Love, 
Heather