Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Scared Shitless

I've, once again, been quiet for a long time. 
Very unlike me. 
This time, though, I have a good reason. 

No pics today, so be warned. Just me whinging. 

About a year ago, when I was starting off new, and everything was changing, I wrote "hope it stays all good". 
Well, it didn't. 
A few months ago, I found a lump on my breast. 

At this point, I'm hoping it's just a cyst. 

It's been there for a few months now, and since it changes size along with my cycle, I was at first sorta hoping it would just go away. 
It didn't. 

On february 18th I had the worst panic attack ever when I realized what it could be, and that gave me the strength needed to call the local health care center. 
I went to see a nurse the day after, and the following friday I got to see a doctor. 

They both agreed that it's most likely nothing serious, since there's no visible changes, no swollen lymph notes, and no pain. 

What is funny at this point, is that neither of them seemed truly worried about the lump itself. The status of my mental health seemed more of an issue for them. 

After a week, I can see why. 

The first week was hard. The panic attack I had on monday really threw me off, and the appointments stressed me out so I got very little sleep. 
Today, I got a referral-whachumacallit in the mail, and, whaddoyaknow, another panic attack. 
It's funny, I'm diagnosed with panic disorder, but I've never-ever had attacks of this magnitude before. 
Ever. 

Not that nice, I tells you. 

So. 
I'm going to get X-rayed on March 6th. Maybe even ultrasounded. 

Scary shit. 

I can't recall ever being truly afraid of dying. Really. To me, death is like eternal sleep, with a possibility of reincarnation. So dying is not, like, really the issue here. 
It's just that I really hate being sick and afraid. 

What bugs me the most at this point, is not knowing what it really is. 
If I knew it was just a hormone cyst, like, for sure, I could just go on with my life, trim my mullet (my hair has gotten totally out of control) and do what I do best. Write and sew and cook and sing. And if I knew it was, well, not a cyst, I could write my last will and testament, and tie loose ends together. Prepare, so to speak.

But I don't know. And that's what's driving me off the walls. 
I don't know what it is, and that makes it lethal. 

So for the past few weeks I've been pretty much throwing things at Husband (who's been incredible sweet and caring throughout the whole thing) and panicking and playing Oblivion way too much and imagining my death, funeral, and loved ones in mourning. 
 
Human mind is a funny thing. It wants to take the worst-case scenario, and just run with it. 

And then, when the worst thing really happens, it crumbles and dies. 

So. 

The nurse said it's probably nothing. 
The doctor said it's probably nothing. 
So it's probably just a hormone cyst. 

Does my mind believe it? 
No. 

Well, I had an extra pound to lose anyway. 
I'll let you know how it turned out as soon as I know. 

Even if it would be just a line saying Whey or Oh crap.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

So. 
As faithful followers may know, my service provider decided to close down all it's webshops, including mine. 
I wasn't devastated, merely irritated. 
I was reluctant to start over again: putting up shop takes a long time, and taking care of it is a big time-eater, too. 
To make things easier for me, I decided to go to etsy.com. 

I own my own domain, so I couldn't just leave it unused. So I needed a new website. 
I took a course on XHTML once, and I dare say I know something about it. Not much, but a little. Enough to imagine I can make an entire site on my own :D 

I tried it, realized I was in over my head, and realized there's free templates on the web. I found one I liked, downloaded it, and had fun customizing it to suite my personal taste. 
It turned out really nice, I like it, but getting it to go live gave me a few more white hairs... 
I'd thought our internet provider offers server space. Sadly, I was mistaken. When the site was done, and it was time to upload, I realized I had nowhere to put it to! 

At that point, I started getting a bit devastated :D 

Luckily, I found freeserver (or something similar, I forget, sorry), and after that, everything went smoothly. 
I just got my cool new website up and running! Yay! 

So. 
New links. 
You can find me on etsy.com
My website is not a shop anymore, but more of a personal portfolio. You can find it here

I also ventured out to tumblr. I needed a place to just share outfits, and tumblr seemed like the perfect place. 
So you can find my tumblr blog (just started, it's got, like, one post, more will come) here

What a lot of information... 

So. 
Last weekend, was it, I think, I forget, we had a bit of a photo-shoot. 
Outside! In the blistering cold! :D 

Here's a few outtakes. You'll find purdier shots on links above ;) 

Wind. Wind was not my friend. 

Umm... like... pose? What's that? 

Take a picture where I'm, like, SO EMO,  k thanks bai.
... and can U focus in my armpit? 

It's flipping cold, can we go back inside nao? pls?