Monday, August 29, 2011

And she alone was truly alone

Jay is gone. Flown to the world like a dark butterfly. And I am sad.

Never before have I felt this way after publishing. I've always felt exhilarated, freed of a nightmare, but this time an indescribable sense of loneliness filled me. I sat outside, after, having a fag, and it was like I had lost a loved one.

Hope she does well on her own.

So. Published. Look!

The cover gave me a hard time. I thought about it throughout the birth, which was easy and painless, and the day before yesterday it Came to me.

When things Come to you, they're usually right.

I wanted a woman's face on the cover, in red, only half of it. Drawn. I didn't want to ask hubby since I wanted it NOW and he's a Taurus which means he's not that quick about anything, so I did it myself. And I think it actually turned out quite nice.

I asked hubby if it totally suck ass (he paints, well) and he looked at it, and a funny look crept up on his face, and he said it didn't suck at all. Later he said something artsy about shadows, I didn't really understand it, but I did rezognize it as a compliment.

So. Fifth child, driven out.

Scary shit.

On Thursday I'll be going away for a week. Hubby's going camping to Lapland, and since my sister lives along the way, he's taking me there so I don't have to be home alone. So it's kinda like a holiday.

Again, scary shit :D Anyway, I get to spend quality time with my niece (note to self: pack pink nailvarnish) and chill.

Thinking about starting a new book.
Taking a holiday is a foreign concept to me.

Friday, August 26, 2011

fretting

So.

Got a letter yesterday. From the unemployment office. They said I got accepted on the course.

I said a filthy word, twice, loudly.

From the interview, I got the impression they really thought the course wouldn't be right for me. They said it would be wiser if I found a course on entrepeneurship in stead. I said it sounds like a more sensible choice.

And then they went and accepted me and I had to swear. Which I don't usually do. My favourite curses are "voi ETTÄ" and "voi hyväntähen". Both are a bit difficult to translate, but basically they go for "oh dear" and "oh for bleebs sake".

I didn't sleep that well. Woke up at around four in the morning to fret. Dozed off at around six, and then hubby's alarm woke me up at 10:30.

By then I had decided I'm not going. No way, uh-uh. I know what I want to do, and how. I just would have liked to go over my plans with some nice lady from the previously mentioned unemployment office, but since they're obviously too busy to take the time to talk to me, I'll ask my sister instead.

She's smarter than they are, anyway.

So I called them this morning, and told them I won't be attending. The lady on the other end sounded very bored with her job. I kinda wanted to tell her to go out, and find her calling. I have, and I'm happy.

So. Now it seems I'm going to put up a business. Eventually. Probably not tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, but soon.

A bit scary.

I'm going to be a seamstress. And I'm also going to make knitwear. And the choice fills me with peace and happiness, a profound sense of being on the right track.

Obviously I'm not going to give up writing. I'm blessed with many callings :D

I've been going over Jay, and found I've left blanks. So the story isn't completely told. Which is nice, since I really like spending time with Jay.

This truly is the year when life turns upside down. Hope it does stay all good.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

it ended all too soon

Finished the first draft of Jay. Feeling a touch sad.
It's almost like saying goodbye to a loved one, though the work is far from being done.
But the story has been told, and soon it's time to let go. Allow one more child to fly out into the world.

Got my first review today. Five stars on the Witch Hunt. Yes, I cried. Then I remembered all the typos I'd left in, and felt not-worthy. Someday I'll go over it again, and correct them.
But not today. Today I have to design a blazer so I can start looking for fabrics for it. I want it done before the turn of the month, since I'm going away.

For a week, to visit my sister. I don't like leaving unfinished work behind, so. Must create, must force out design :D

So. I went to the interview yesterday. I told the ladies there that I want to sew, and write my books, and maybe write for a magazine, and they said, yes, this course isn't the right place for you. I said thank you very much, and went shopping for yarn. Found what I was looking for, too, which was nice.

I wore a dress I made a week or so ago. With a red blouse and a tie. Must have made a very good impression, clothes-wise, since the guy before me was wearing stained sweatpants :P


So. Must create.
I like creating :)

Monday, August 22, 2011

Black Swan

I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a kid. I had a red tutu, and I used to tie ribbons around my ankles and pretend I was wearing real ballet slippers. Grandma often said mom and dad should take me to ballet, but they never did. So I didn't grow up to dance.

As an afterthought, it's probably a good thing I didn't turn out a ballerina. Dancing is suffering, and I'm a right baby when it comes to pain.

So, the Black Swan was quite high on my "to see"- list from the moment it came out. It took a while to get hold of it, but yesterday, with no warning, it happened. Hubby borrowed it from a friend, so I finally got to see it. And it was nothing like I expected.

I'd read the text on the DVD, of course, but still, I thought it would be a light, airy little drama. And it wasn't. It was sick and twisted, even nauseating. And I loved every second. I was a naughty girl and copied it, and now I'm tempted to watch it again. And again. And again.

I can't remember the last time a movie had an effect so strong on me. It was probably around time I was five, and accidentally saw a really scary sci-fi-film. Or was it the time I watched the Audition... Anyway, I woke up last night, around three, and I couldn't get Black Swan out of my head. It wasn't because of the shock-value of it, it was because I know the feeling that consumed Nina throughout the movie. It's gnawed at me as well, though not in that scale.

Believing your body is giving in is not a nice feeling. And there's nothing to do about it but to force your mind into believing otherwise.

Hubby's out, so I could watch it again.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

if shoes = happiness and money = shoes, then money = happiness

I've been quiet for a really long time. Very unlike me. I can only blame Jay, and having been forced to Have Fun.
Luckily, summer's almost over, and I can concentrate on... umm... having no life?
Anyway, went shopping yesterday. To Seinäjoki. It's a relatively small town, but it has a huge number of flea markets.

I found a fabric, to line my old fur coat with. It's fake fur, or course. I'm bored with it, so I'm going to tear it to shreds, and re-do it differently. With a red lining.


I really like red.

I found a cute top. too. I've never owned anything with skulls on it, but now I do.


Cost me 2€, but when I brought it home, I noted it was broken.


I'm going to have to shorten it a bit. Which doesn't really matter since it's too long anyway.
I also found a basic longsleeved T. H&M quality.It was new, and my size, so I bought it. Without looking so carefully. At home, I noted some dumbass had stapled the tag on it. So if the certain someone selling her stuff @ ullakko in Seinäjoki, table 105, is reading this, DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN.


The staples gave me quite a scare, but I managed to get them out without leaving a trace of them on the top. But still, it was really careless and stupid on the sellers part.

And then the heels.

At the very first flea market I found a pair of shoes. Very, very pretty shoes, almost new, priced at 4€. I tried them on, and my feet declared they want to live in the shoes forever. So I bought them.

Then I started thinking I've seen them somewhere, and after going through many, many lifestyleblogs, I found them. They're almost an exact copy of a shoe Pennangalan's made at some point. Still, I love my new heels.

High, yet not uncomfortable.

Lacing, I'm seeing red satin bows.

Loveliest profile I've seen in a long time.

Practical soles, too.

They need a quick trip to the shoemender, since I refuse to wear them until they've been given metal heelpieces. Plasticy ones wear out too quickly, and they don't make a sound as scary.

Today I got a call to an interview. There's a course on how to get a job, and the local job-office thought I'd be perfect for it, and forced me to apply. It's next Tuesday, the interview. I'm going to wear my best smile, and tell them I already made plans for my future, and that I don't need any help, thank you very much. And I won't even be lying.

Hopefully I won't have to go on the course. I want to go up north in the beginning of next month, to visit my niece. I have a feeling she needs Auntie to paint her nails :D