Tuesday, November 3, 2015

BatFit 2016: Goals and Challenge One

As many of you may know, I've been under quite a bit of stress lately. 
(AGAIN? can we get over it, please!!) 

Stress affects us in various ways, and all indivuals react to it differently. Getting rid of stress is a slow, difficult process. You can't set a timetable to it. And you can't put yourself under more pressure about getting better. 

Let's review very quickly. 
Marriage ended, moved to a new city, left friends behind (actually moved into another circle of friends, so that's not as big a deal as it may sound like), trying to find a new clientele for the business, getting used to looking after myself again. 
And then there's boys, of course, and drama. 
That's a lot for one girl. I did ye good old Life Stress Test and scored a whopping 341. 

So in order to not break myself and get this ship sailing again, I will take part in BatFit 2016. Not to lose weight (that happens on its own nowadays) but to gain mental and physical health and stability. 

Time to list goals. 

1. Stress makes me either stop eating, or resort to quick, easy options. Such as frozen pizza. So I will make sure I eat properly. Real food. I won't tell myself not to eat chocolate, that would send me off the cliff, thx bai, but I will eat my broccoli and like it. 
As cooking takes time, and I won't always have a lot of it, I'll look toward casseroles. And if I do need a meal right-now-super-quick, I will resort to the frozen vegetables -section. 

2. Stress-levels must go down. How, I have no idea. 

3. Business-wise, I should concentrate on marketing. I suck at that. So I shall make a marketing-plan. Tips are welcome! 

4. Two weeks or so ago, I had a chat with some friends online. They said that lately, I've created a habit of putting myself down. They said that all they hear from me is "I'm stupid, I'm useless, I don't know how to do this, everybody hates me" and THAT'S NOT TRUE. 
One could say I've been intervened... 
So I will try to break that habit, and get myself to believe that I am a smart, capable woman who can do many things. 

That's all. I think. 

Time to move on to Challenge One, which is moving 30 minutes per day. 
That's a lot of moving. 
Since I'm not doing this to lose weight but to gain a more healthy lifestyle, I will look toward yoga. In the city, I walk everywhere, so that does add exercise to my life. Once I'm really all the way settled here, I might see if I could continue dancing, but for now I need something that lowers stress-levels, and allows me a more meditative way of getting exercise. So yoga. It's actually something I've been wanting to start for a long time, and now is a good time. 

So there. Goals set, now to see how they can be made true. 
I started yesterday by unpacking the last lingering moving box. Doing so, I gained enough room in a closet to get a client's clothes out of the way. Which is nice, staring at a pile of finished orders makes me stress out about when she's going to pick them up... 
Also, I've taken up making lists about things I want to get done each week. Though I detest having anyone tell me what to do and when, it's good to have a bit of structure. 

Until next time. 

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Six, Seven - All Good Girls Fly to Heaven

Due to stress and major changes, I have been absent. 
Ish, since my business blog is up and running. 
Anyways, it may be time to share the news, and get back to the blogging routine. 
Which in my case is "whenever". 

Last time I blogged, I told you guys I was moving to Tampere. 
And I did! Yay!

And boy, was it a hard ride. Ouch is all I can say at this point. 

So. The story goes. 
On September 2nd, I moved to my sister's place, an old school building in the middle of nowhere. On September 9th, I rented an appartment in Tampere. It came totally out of the blue, I'd expected to wait in line for at least six months. As it turns out, a bit of panic is the best way to get things done... I turned, in a state of "I cannot stay in the countryside for a moment longer!!2!§!11" -panic, to a flat dealing business which one of my friends recommended. I called them, they found me a place right away, I went to see it three days later, I said I liked it, they said good, it's yours, move right in, and give us money. 

Naturally, I said "wait, what just happened". 

 After signing the leash, I went to Mom's and Dad's in Jyväskylä, and my family said "well, gee, it's nice that you found a flat, dear, but we can't help you move right now, you're just going to have to wait, like, indefinetely". 

Naturally, I said "excuse me but what?" and the reply was "well, we're just very busy right now, so you will wait, full stop". 

I said no.

After being dumped, starting with a divorce, and having spent the entire summer pretty much alone I was literally in no mood for bullcrap. 
So I called Jules (the Ex, just in case you've forgotten his name), and he rushed to the rescue. 
That's one of the benefits of parting as friends: when you really, really, really, really need them, they're there. 

So Jules came to pick me up on September 15th from my sister's, and drove me and most of my stuff to Tampere. And helped me carry everything inside. 

After a little bit of thinking on Dad's part, what I'd been forced to leave at my sister's found its way to me two days later. 

On the 15th, as we were headed to Tampere, I heard Jules muttering "... if I'd known you'd find a place to live so quickly you could have just moved from our place and you wouldn't have had to go through moving twice" which in my opinion counts as an apology for putting me on a schedule. 

Well, life is rocky sometimes, and moving twice (!!) in one month just goes to prove that one woman can do more than she expected. 

And I am now here. 
Shit hit the fan big time once I got here, relationship-wise, and I got to deal with issues of losing a friend and mending a fractured heart. I might write more on that later, but right now I'm trying to find my self-confidence again. 

So anyway. I have moved. To a tall, yellow building in Tampere. 
And I have all of my stuff here. And I shall now take you on a tour of crappy Lumia-photos of my place. 

I have a wide windowsill for my cacti. From the left, Hercules, Elvis, and Samson. Big names for my brave babies.  

 I have my computer desk, which is too black for my new place. To tone it down, I decorated it with printed pinups. 
Pretty ladies always brighten a place up. 

And I have my sewing machines, so I can work. In case you need anything made, contact me. 

My kitchen is super-small. There was no room for a microwave, so I let Jules have it. Good riddance, say I, since I rarely used it anyway. Cooking is a bit challenging here, but I've noted that creating "one pan" -dishes or just sticking with casseroles saves a lot of trouble. 

When breaking up with someone, the first thing to do is to get rid of the bed shared. I let Jules keep the bed we had, and got a new one. I like sleeping on high ground, so I got this to save space. It's wide, and I get to sleep in the middle, and all the pillows belong to Me.

Everything is really light and bright here. Not at all Gothic. 
But at least I'm here. 

Until next time. I promise to be a little more active from now on! 


Thursday, September 10, 2015


I thought I would remain in a small village near the old house we used to live in. 
I thought I'd stay, be safe, do what I can. 
I thought things would remain ordinary. 

I was pretty much locked up in the house all summer. 

On July 31st I went to Mom's and Dad's. 
I got drunk with my favourite brother-in-law. It was fun. 
The next day, Mom and Dad had their 70th Birthday Party. I got to chat with relatives and entertain my niece. 
In the evening, something broke. 

After guests had left and family gone to sleep, I sat down with a drink and realized I hadn't asked myself what I want. 

So I did. 
And my first reaction was that I do not want to bury myself in the countryside. Sure it would be safe, but is life meant to be safe? 

Life is meant to be lived. 
We are made to learn, to grow, to love. To see a new place everyday, to meet people in unexpected places. 
We are meant to breathe easy. 

I signed a lease yesterday. 
I'm moving to Tampere. 

Going home, so to speak. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015


This is how I felt during my marriage. Like I wasn't me anymore, like I had to be pretty and pleasing and perfect so that Jules (I will call him Husband no longer) and his friends would love me. 
Pretty and pleasing and perfect are a touch difficult to manage when you're strange and unusual. I felt that I laughed too loud, liked the wrong things, wore the wrong clothes, listened to the wrong music, and I changed for him. And I lost my muchness. The things that made me ME, the wonderful, imperfect being that I am, the thing that smiles when it's raining, the thing that sighs at the beauty of the full moon, the thing that writes songs about cute boys. 

I made what, five songs during a ten year relationship feeling like it was somehow forbidden to express my own voice. I stopped writing during my marriage. 
I faded. 

And now something happened. 
Actually, many small things happened. Most of them happened inside my head, and... 

One might think that it takes a man to save a broken woman. 
Bullcrap, I tells you. 

I have come to many realizations within four weeks. 

1. I am important. Even if I'm not important to every single person on this planet. I'm important to me, my friends, my family, to those I love most. I am the most important person in my life, and I will never forget that again. 

2. I can do much more than I give myself credit for. This I realized after our group performed at a local event about a month ago. We we're three dancers short, and had to perfect our heavily modded choreography outside in twenty minutes. We spent that time smiling, and saying "you can do it" to each other, and we nailed it. Everything went perfectly, and I felt so proud of all of them, and realized that I was a part of it, and I should feel proud of myself as well. 
And I did. 

3. The quote above is something I stumbled upon on Pinterest. Both of them, actually, but I mean the lower one. 
Anyone can make you smile, many people can make you cry, but it takes someone really special to make you smile with tears in your eyes. 
It's not another person. It's me. And it should be that person to everyone. We should all love ourselves so much that it overwhelms us. 
Happiness does not come from the things around us. It comes from within. 

4. I don't need anyone's permission to be a strong, beautiful woman. I don't need anyone's permission to be me. I don't need to listen to anyone's opinion about the way I dress or the way I laugh too loud or how I like to eat or how I refuse to wear a lot of make-up or anything. This is me and if you don't like it, someone else will like it more. 

That's me on World Goth Day. I thought of something beautiful as I snapped the picture. 
The something beautiful was that there must be a boy out there who will like me for who I am. 

Yes, I know I just said that a woman does not need a man to save her. 
I just really like them. 

Who was it who said "after we have lost everything, we are free to do anything"? I've never really understood what it meant. 
Now I do. 

I'm free now. And I kinda like it. I've gotten my muchness back. 


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Liebster Award

I'm still alive, hi. 
It's been a bit rocky here for the past two months, but could be worse. 
Anyway, I got the Liebster Award from The Enchanted Parlour, thank you, and I am now going to do this thing all wrong. 
I'm not nominating anyone specifically just because I have a bit too much to think about right now. Swamped, so to speak. But if you're following my blog, haven't yet gotten awarded, and have less than 200 followers, boom, you're tagged. 

1. Post the award on your blog.
2. Thank the blogger who presented this award and link back to their blog.
3. Write 11 random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and who have fewer than 200 followers.
5. Answer 11 questions posted by the presenter and ask your nominees 11 questions.

11 Random Facts

1. My toenails are always painted. Even during the coldest winter when I wear three pairs of socks at a time. 

2. My sleeping patterns are completely messed up. I go to bed at 5am and wake up around 1pm. Making appointments with clients is a bit challenging sometimes. 

3. Repetitive sounds annoy me. I don't like the sound of a metronome, I've gotten rid of most ticking clocks in my house, and I can't stand the sound of people chewing. 

4. I'm a bit of a princess, and need someone to look after me. I blame Mom and Dad, they've spoiled me rotten. 

5. I like working alone, and prefer to make my own schedule so that I can do most of my work while others sleep. This is why I run my own business and do a lot of freelance-work. 

6. My favourite food is pizza. Home made, filled with tomato, mozzarella, and... broccoli. 

7. When I feel like I need to get a lot of work done, I stay in my PJ's all day. Somehow, it helps me focus. But not every time, I'm in my jammies now, and haven't gotten anything done today. Oops. 

8. I drift off easily. It happens during conversations, dinner, watching TV. It feels like falling asleep, stumbling into a fairytale of wonder and excitement without really sleeping or moving. So if we're talking and my eyes glace over, just let me be, I'm happier there. 

9. Birds scare me. They're like little dinosaurs, smart and ferocious. 

10. I like shopping, but I need someone there who's willing to pay for anything I may find. I reckon Husband number Two should be wealthy. 

11. I'm partial to blond, long-haired men (like you didn't already know that). 

The Questions

1. When and why did you start blogging? 

I don't remember when, but the reason is quite clear. Put plain and simple, I love talking about myself. As I feared I might start annoying everyone I know IRL, I started to blog about my thoughts and outfits and things I've made. Blogging isn't only a way of venting anymore, it also offers me a creative outlet. 
Although I do use it mostly for venting. 

2. With MP3s and internet streaming, do you still buy CDs or DVDs?

Sadly, no. 

3. How would you describe your style of dress? 

I haven't really given this much thought. I've dressed the same way for many years now, but haven't bothered to categorize my style. I feel closest to Romantic and Victorian Goth, so that's probably it. 

4. What religion or philosophy do you ascribe to?

 I'm not a very religious person. I was raised into Lutheran religion, like most Finns, but I've never really liked the idea of turning faith into business. Today, I feel most drawn to the ancient Finnish animistic ways. 
I believe that each living thing has a spirit, I believe in a greater, dual force that sometimes offers aid and guidance, I believe in rebirth and the power of the elements. 

5.What are your favorite TV shows on the air right now?

I'm a bad girl, and stream TV-shows instead of watching television. I like Penny Dreadful most of the shows currently on air. 

6. What other hobbies do you participate in, besides blogging? 

I play Oblivion and dance in an oriental fusion-group. 
Most hobbies I used to have, writing, sewing, and knitting, have turned into work, and I haven't gotten around to coming up with new hobbies. 

7. If you participate in the arts, which ones do you participate in? Are you a hobbyist or a professional? 

Writing and textile. Pro. 

8. If a movie was being made about your life, which actor/actress would play you? 

Scarlett Johansson could make a good me. At least we're of height. 

9. Choose one: Coffee or tea? 


10. What colors have you dyed your hair? 

I've been red, orange-blond, black, and dark brown. Red is good, I'm sticking with this. 

11. Introvert, extrovert, or ambivert?

Introvert. 95%

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Life Has a Funny Way

I need to vent, so this is a zero-pic post. 
This weekend, I went to Helsinki with a bunch of girls. I came home Sunday night, and everything was fine. Husband picked me up in the middle of the night, and had even made a very late dinner for me. 
The next day, I woke up at around 3pm, ventured downstairs still half asleep, and found him on a sour mood. He went to the shops for groceries, and after he came home, he said We Need To Talk.

Don't we all just love the conversations that begin like that... We need to talk, and as it turns out, there's nothing for you to say really. 

We got married in June, 2007. Today, March 23rd, 2015, he said he's had it. 
We're getting divorced. 

I should be devastated writing this, but I'm not. I'm a bit angry, a bit sad, and quite worried about the future, but not a weeping mess. 
Drunk, yes, but not a mess. 
Gemini are funny that way. When something goes horridly wrong, we flip for two hours, and then say, oh well, could be worse. It could be raining. 

It is raining, by the way. The skies are weeping for me as it seems. 

Or maybe for him. I think he has it worse than I do. 

Anyway. Vent. 

I don't think I ever expected this to last forever. We met when we were both broken up about previous relationships, got married pretty hastily, and have always been a bit distant to each other. We've shared our lives, but not innermost secrets. 

We started out as friends, and we're going to remain friends. There was no drama, other than the two hours of him being scared about having to tell me this, and me being upset about what he told me. There is no hatred, no betrayed trust, no nothing. Just love that somehow went away, and somehow still remains. 

In my opinion, break-ups should go like this. No real hurt, no real pain, no shattering of lives. Just change, a slow alteration. 

I'm going to remain here until I get everything sorted out. This means I'm going to have to find more work, and to make my small business turn real profit. For this, I may require a bit of help. Spread the word if you can, and please leave tips on where to advertise my patterns and ready-to-wear garments. 

It's going to be a rough year. 

After my last break-up, I lingered on the brink of death for six months. I'd lost the only friend I had, and my whole life had broken to a million pieces. 
This time, I have a strong safety net. I'll be fine. 
Just need a bit of love right now. 


Sunday, March 8, 2015

So you swore never to dye your hair again?

A few years back, I chopped my hair short after a dye-disaster. I'd hennaed my hair for a long time, and got annoyed with red. I dyed over it with a store-bought brown, and.. well, it went black. I can't pull off pitch-black hair, so I decided to want my natural colour back. As I am both impulsive and impatient, I grew it for three months, and chopped it off. 

Short hair was fun for a while, but I started missing long hair pretty quick. Good thing this grows fast, so last spring I had gained both length and my natural tone. 
Which is brown. A nice, lively brown, but still very brown. 
And a bit boring actually. 
This pic is about 11 months old, but it shows my natural tone pretty well. 

A week ago, my annual spring breakdown culminated with me staring into the mirror wondering what the hell I was thinking when I figured a natural brown would look really nice on me. I wear black all the time, and it makes my hair look bland and dull. 
So the impulsive Heather sighed, and remembered the last package of henna safely stored into a cupboard. 

Mmm, red, I thought, and literally slapped myself on the wrist. Last time, I loved the red. But. Maintaining it isn't a real picnic. It takes a whole day every two months, and henna smells funky, and it's messy, and it's hard to find good quality henna here in Finland. 
Twirling a strand of mousy brown around my fingers, I sighed again, and prepared the witch's brew. 

I use natural henna powder with no added ingredients. The powder is green to begin with (the photo is from the internet, btw), and smells like dried hay. It's very fine, and turns into dust as it's poured out of the bag. I add warm water (not too hot, boiling water can be lethal to henna) and a bit of coffee, and mix the stuff into a smooth, silky gunk. I let it sit for two hours, and apply. To hair. 

I've given up wearing gloves when applying. Rubber clings to hair, pulls at it painfully, and since henna isn't poisonous (you shouldn't eat it, though), I just let it stain my hands. It'll rub off in a week or so. 

This is also old, I snapped it after the last times I did henna. My hands looked the same after this time, though!

So. A week ago, I was home alone as I made the choice to go red. I warmed up the sauna, added the gunk to my hair and walked half naked into the living room not knowing Husband had returned. I was dripping with reddish brown liquid, and made my cool-as-a-cucumber Husband say "what the fuck have you done". It was fun. After a quick explanation of "I wanted to be red", he said OK, and I spent the next four hours in the sauna. 

Henna-gunk is drippy and messy, so it's a good idea to wrap something, anything, around it. I used a piece of cotton, and looked very fetching in my stained head wrap <3

Previously, henna has been a right bitch (sorry) to rinse out, and I was very worried this time since our water pressure is a bit low. I was very surprised to find it wash off really easily. 
After a thorough wash, it was orange. And I was happy. 
It takes a few days for hennaed hair to settle. During this time, the colour turns from orange to a deeper tone of red, depending on your natural tone. I got a subtle shade of auburn, and I'm really happy with it. Since my hair had natural lighter streaks, my red has multiple tones. 

This is my hair in natural light. The tone changes according to light and angle, so I'm still staring at myself in the mirror more than usual. 

As suspected, one can no longer find pure henna in Finland. But not to worry, ebay came to the rescue. Once I get my order of henna, I'll do another coat to all of my hair. After, I'll only have to do all of it maybe once a year since henna doesn't fade like commercial dyes. 
So. All the red clothes I have now look bad on me <3