Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Summer

I'm not much of a summer-person. I've never liked the warmth and the rush and the way everyone tries to live a whole year's worth in a month or two. Also, every summer I'm somehow forgotten. 

This summer my best friend moved to Italy. She met a lovely Italian man on Tinder and three months later he whisked her away. 
I was naturally a bit heartbroken as I heard the news. To make me happy again, Charming brought me a present. He does that, gives me things to make me smile. 
I'm not used to that. I'm in absolute shock over the fact that someone likes me enough to care about my happiness. 

The present was my first Lumous. We went to the pre-party on Thursday, saw most of the bands, and survived The End. 
After, we were hungover for three days. 
Best. Party. Ever. 


Also,  I've treated myself to a new wallet, which is a bit on the large side but well suited for my taste. I got it on eBay for, like, 7€ so I'm kinda waiting for it to fall apart at any given moment. 


It was my Birthday in June, and Mom got me a summer hat. I decorated it with a tulle bow, and I've gotten around to wearing it once. 
... I hardly ever go out when the sun is out and sun hats look a bit silly during the night. 
The hat is pretty, though, and it'll keep until next summer. 


Mom also gave me a nail varnish in a shade of red I'm a bit apprehensive about. It looks nice in the bottle, but when worn, it seems to change shades along with light. It's purple in natural light, and red in artificial light. This makes choosing lipstick super-hard. 
... black?


I haven't been working much, since Charming had July off and wanted to spend most of his time with me (another little detail that makes me pinch both him and myself to make certain we're stuck in the same dream). I did start a new cardigan, which I'm hoping to turn into a pattern. It features chevron lace, which is a new acquaintance for me. This is going to be a more challenging pattern, so it'll have to be tested before publishing. 
... a long project, in other words. 


I have also been playing Bioshock. Charming introduced me to the game, and I played through the first part with, what, three breaks, and now I'm in the middle of the second part. 
We've met some of his friends both on purpose and by accident, and every time he's told them what I did all day (played Bioshock) they, especially girls, look at me like I've escaped a different planet. 
"What, you play, do you, like, actually like it, you can't like that!" 
... yes, I like playing, and I enjoy shooters. Deal with it. 


 I've also made a pink EmoBunny. She's currently homeless, and would like to be adopted. 
She's gotten one of her eyes to fall off a bit, has cuts on her arms, and carries a noose to hang herself with. 
Poor thing. 


I'll try to write a bit more in the future. I've managed to minimize stress in my life (as much as I can at this point, anyway), and now I actually feel like writing. I'm starting to fall back into my "1000 words in the morning" -routine again, and it feels really good. 
So, until next time!

Love,
Heather

Thursday, June 16, 2016

What Happens!

As is the custom, I shall begin by mentioning that I am, in fact, still alive.
I've been meaning to write for a few weeks now, but, well, life keeps happening.

Now, as I got soaked on the way home, am fed up with work for this week, and have a lot of partying to do, I thought I'd take time to recap (what, again?) the beginning of the year.
Or, like, the first half of it.

I'm not a very consistent blogger, sorry about that.

The first three months were a bit horrible. Raven (the someone I found before Christmas) pulled a DramaKing-act on me, and we spent six weeks fighting before breaking up on the anniversary of my break-up with Husband no1.
 It was a good ride, but I could have done with a little less drama.

After that, I figured I'd never-ever in a million years try to have a relationship with anyone ever again, nope, not my cup of red, thank you very much.

And then on April 30th Prince Charming said Hey, where you been at all my life.

Since then, life has been super-strange. Like, in a really good way.
He's stable, he's caring, he's weird in a delightfully ordinary fashion. He takes me out to places I've never been before and makes me eat things I never thought I'd get to eat.

You know it when you find someone and you physically can't be without them. Sleeping alone culminates to me waking up at least three times to a) wonder where the **** I'm at (home, Trinity, you're at home in your own bed) and 2) where's he gone.

This has not happened to me before. It's a bit scary.

And wonderful.

I'm having major trouble understanding what happens. It's like waking up from a nightmare only to realize there's a fairytale waiting to be lived.

Business could be better, yes, but it's just work. I started a new book a few weeks ago, and should probably start hyping it up a bit. It's a sequel to The Mousetrap. I'm happy to get to hang with Jeremy a bit more, and to write out every bad dream and fear I've had during these past years.Writing is like therapy to me, and it's kinda worrying to notice I haven't given it much time lately.

So. Alive. Happy. Quite confused but in a good way.

Until next time.
Love,
Heather

Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 - last two months recap

It seems like a million years since I last blogged. Many things have happened during the past two months. Let's start from the beginning, namely Halloween. 

I went to Laterna for the Release the Bats 2016 -event. As the walking cliche, the broken doll. This because I wasn't really in the mood to party, and kinda woke to Halloween a bit late. Like, the previous night. The outfit consisted of Phase's tartan skirt and a lot of fishnet. I even made up a story to go with the get-up, but I didn't get to share it once. 
So you'll get to hear it. 
I was a porcelain doll owned by a distressed teen. She dressed me up as her own image, and then, in a fit of anger, threw me against a wall and broke me. 
See? All broken. 
Yes, I'll try to put in a bit more effort next year. 
The mini I wore got me many, many compliments, so I chose to wear another dress with super-short hems the next time I went out. The dress was, and still is, very orange. I met a lot of new people that night, and they went under the illusion of me being normal for, like, at least a two weeks. 
It was funny. 
And when they saw me in velvet and lace, they said "holy fuck you look good". So, nice people, not judgmental of those darkly inclined.

And then. 
As mentioned, I've been a bit blue lately. 
Well, "a bit blue" is the understatement of the year, and should be awarded with the Official Award as soon as possible. As November drew near its end, I was literally quite sure I would - not to be dramatic or anything - die. 
And then something snapped, and I didn't die. 
In life, things have a way of fixing themselves. Everything will be fine when given enough time. 

Anyway, I started feeling better, and I went to a party with new friends. I had sushi for the first time ever (I've avoided it because the thought of eating raw fish is not that appealing) and actually liked it. I had fun, and tried on someone's glasses, and got my picture taken. 
And I accidentally looked hot. 
After the party I spent two weeks doing some work. I published a crochet pattern for a Basic Blazer in filet crochet... 
 ... and a glittery set of beanie and mitts. 
After seeing some of the promo pics, my old friends said I look happy for the first time in, like, five years. 
Yikes. 
And then something happened. 
I went to a bar on a Thursday night. And I found someone. I have no idea what's happening, or what's going to happen but um squee.
And I got a VIP-card for a pub I hardly ever go to. 
Not because of the someone, the card is just a distraction so I won't jinx him. 
Look! 
And then it was Christmas. 
I went to Mom's and Dad's, and got to decorate the tree. 
I ate at least this much chocolate, and at least half a pig.

I got a colouring book, and reflected my mood to a mandala.
And, well, I have a feeling next year will be a little less horrible. 
I hope. 

Have a safe and happy turn of the year! 
Love, 
Heather

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

BatFit 2016: Goals and Challenge One

As many of you may know, I've been under quite a bit of stress lately. 
(AGAIN? can we get over it, please!!) 

Stress affects us in various ways, and all indivuals react to it differently. Getting rid of stress is a slow, difficult process. You can't set a timetable to it. And you can't put yourself under more pressure about getting better. 

So. 
Let's review very quickly. 
Marriage ended, moved to a new city, left friends behind (actually moved into another circle of friends, so that's not as big a deal as it may sound like), trying to find a new clientele for the business, getting used to looking after myself again. 
And then there's boys, of course, and drama. 
That's a lot for one girl. I did ye good old Life Stress Test and scored a whopping 341. 

So in order to not break myself and get this ship sailing again, I will take part in BatFit 2016. Not to lose weight (that happens on its own nowadays) but to gain mental and physical health and stability. 

Time to list goals. 

1. Stress makes me either stop eating, or resort to quick, easy options. Such as frozen pizza. So I will make sure I eat properly. Real food. I won't tell myself not to eat chocolate, that would send me off the cliff, thx bai, but I will eat my broccoli and like it. 
As cooking takes time, and I won't always have a lot of it, I'll look toward casseroles. And if I do need a meal right-now-super-quick, I will resort to the frozen vegetables -section. 

2. Stress-levels must go down. How, I have no idea. 

3. Business-wise, I should concentrate on marketing. I suck at that. So I shall make a marketing-plan. Tips are welcome! 

4. Two weeks or so ago, I had a chat with some friends online. They said that lately, I've created a habit of putting myself down. They said that all they hear from me is "I'm stupid, I'm useless, I don't know how to do this, everybody hates me" and THAT'S NOT TRUE. 
One could say I've been intervened... 
So I will try to break that habit, and get myself to believe that I am a smart, capable woman who can do many things. 

That's all. I think. 

Time to move on to Challenge One, which is moving 30 minutes per day. 
That's a lot of moving. 
Since I'm not doing this to lose weight but to gain a more healthy lifestyle, I will look toward yoga. In the city, I walk everywhere, so that does add exercise to my life. Once I'm really all the way settled here, I might see if I could continue dancing, but for now I need something that lowers stress-levels, and allows me a more meditative way of getting exercise. So yoga. It's actually something I've been wanting to start for a long time, and now is a good time. 

So there. Goals set, now to see how they can be made true. 
I started yesterday by unpacking the last lingering moving box. Doing so, I gained enough room in a closet to get a client's clothes out of the way. Which is nice, staring at a pile of finished orders makes me stress out about when she's going to pick them up... 
Also, I've taken up making lists about things I want to get done each week. Though I detest having anyone tell me what to do and when, it's good to have a bit of structure. 

Until next time. 
Love,
Heather

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Six, Seven - All Good Girls Fly to Heaven

Due to stress and major changes, I have been absent. 
Ish, since my business blog is up and running. 
Anyways, it may be time to share the news, and get back to the blogging routine. 
Which in my case is "whenever". 

Last time I blogged, I told you guys I was moving to Tampere. 
And I did! Yay!

And boy, was it a hard ride. Ouch is all I can say at this point. 

So. The story goes. 
On September 2nd, I moved to my sister's place, an old school building in the middle of nowhere. On September 9th, I rented an appartment in Tampere. It came totally out of the blue, I'd expected to wait in line for at least six months. As it turns out, a bit of panic is the best way to get things done... I turned, in a state of "I cannot stay in the countryside for a moment longer!!2!§!11" -panic, to a flat dealing business which one of my friends recommended. I called them, they found me a place right away, I went to see it three days later, I said I liked it, they said good, it's yours, move right in, and give us money. 

Naturally, I said "wait, what just happened". 

 After signing the leash, I went to Mom's and Dad's in Jyväskylä, and my family said "well, gee, it's nice that you found a flat, dear, but we can't help you move right now, you're just going to have to wait, like, indefinetely". 

Naturally, I said "excuse me but what?" and the reply was "well, we're just very busy right now, so you will wait, full stop". 

I said no.

After being dumped, starting with a divorce, and having spent the entire summer pretty much alone I was literally in no mood for bullcrap. 
So I called Jules (the Ex, just in case you've forgotten his name), and he rushed to the rescue. 
That's one of the benefits of parting as friends: when you really, really, really, really need them, they're there. 

So Jules came to pick me up on September 15th from my sister's, and drove me and most of my stuff to Tampere. And helped me carry everything inside. 

After a little bit of thinking on Dad's part, what I'd been forced to leave at my sister's found its way to me two days later. 

On the 15th, as we were headed to Tampere, I heard Jules muttering "... if I'd known you'd find a place to live so quickly you could have just moved from our place and you wouldn't have had to go through moving twice" which in my opinion counts as an apology for putting me on a schedule. 

Well, life is rocky sometimes, and moving twice (!!) in one month just goes to prove that one woman can do more than she expected. 

And I am now here. 
Shit hit the fan big time once I got here, relationship-wise, and I got to deal with issues of losing a friend and mending a fractured heart. I might write more on that later, but right now I'm trying to find my self-confidence again. 

So anyway. I have moved. To a tall, yellow building in Tampere. 
And I have all of my stuff here. And I shall now take you on a tour of crappy Lumia-photos of my place. 

I have a wide windowsill for my cacti. From the left, Hercules, Elvis, and Samson. Big names for my brave babies.  


 I have my computer desk, which is too black for my new place. To tone it down, I decorated it with printed pinups. 
Pretty ladies always brighten a place up. 


And I have my sewing machines, so I can work. In case you need anything made, contact me. 


My kitchen is super-small. There was no room for a microwave, so I let Jules have it. Good riddance, say I, since I rarely used it anyway. Cooking is a bit challenging here, but I've noted that creating "one pan" -dishes or just sticking with casseroles saves a lot of trouble. 


When breaking up with someone, the first thing to do is to get rid of the bed shared. I let Jules keep the bed we had, and got a new one. I like sleeping on high ground, so I got this to save space. It's wide, and I get to sleep in the middle, and all the pillows belong to Me.

Everything is really light and bright here. Not at all Gothic. 
But at least I'm here. 


Until next time. I promise to be a little more active from now on! 

Love, 
Heather

Thursday, September 10, 2015

#waitwut

I thought I would remain in a small village near the old house we used to live in. 
I thought I'd stay, be safe, do what I can. 
I thought things would remain ordinary. 

I was pretty much locked up in the house all summer. 
Alone. 

On July 31st I went to Mom's and Dad's. 
I got drunk with my favourite brother-in-law. It was fun. 
The next day, Mom and Dad had their 70th Birthday Party. I got to chat with relatives and entertain my niece. 
In the evening, something broke. 

After guests had left and family gone to sleep, I sat down with a drink and realized I hadn't asked myself what I want. 

So I did. 
And my first reaction was that I do not want to bury myself in the countryside. Sure it would be safe, but is life meant to be safe? 
No. 

Life is meant to be lived. 
We are made to learn, to grow, to love. To see a new place everyday, to meet people in unexpected places. 
We are meant to breathe easy. 

I signed a lease yesterday. 
I'm moving to Tampere. 

Going home, so to speak. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Muchness


This is how I felt during my marriage. Like I wasn't me anymore, like I had to be pretty and pleasing and perfect so that Jules (I will call him Husband no longer) and his friends would love me. 
Pretty and pleasing and perfect are a touch difficult to manage when you're strange and unusual. I felt that I laughed too loud, liked the wrong things, wore the wrong clothes, listened to the wrong music, and I changed for him. And I lost my muchness. The things that made me ME, the wonderful, imperfect being that I am, the thing that smiles when it's raining, the thing that sighs at the beauty of the full moon, the thing that writes songs about cute boys. 

I made what, five songs during a ten year relationship feeling like it was somehow forbidden to express my own voice. I stopped writing during my marriage. 
I faded. 

And now something happened. 
Actually, many small things happened. Most of them happened inside my head, and... 


One might think that it takes a man to save a broken woman. 
Bullcrap, I tells you. 

I have come to many realizations within four weeks. 

1. I am important. Even if I'm not important to every single person on this planet. I'm important to me, my friends, my family, to those I love most. I am the most important person in my life, and I will never forget that again. 

2. I can do much more than I give myself credit for. This I realized after our group performed at a local event about a month ago. We we're three dancers short, and had to perfect our heavily modded choreography outside in twenty minutes. We spent that time smiling, and saying "you can do it" to each other, and we nailed it. Everything went perfectly, and I felt so proud of all of them, and realized that I was a part of it, and I should feel proud of myself as well. 
And I did. 

3. The quote above is something I stumbled upon on Pinterest. Both of them, actually, but I mean the lower one. 
Anyone can make you smile, many people can make you cry, but it takes someone really special to make you smile with tears in your eyes. 
It's not another person. It's me. And it should be that person to everyone. We should all love ourselves so much that it overwhelms us. 
Happiness does not come from the things around us. It comes from within. 

4. I don't need anyone's permission to be a strong, beautiful woman. I don't need anyone's permission to be me. I don't need to listen to anyone's opinion about the way I dress or the way I laugh too loud or how I like to eat or how I refuse to wear a lot of make-up or anything. This is me and if you don't like it, someone else will like it more. 


That's me on World Goth Day. I thought of something beautiful as I snapped the picture. 
The something beautiful was that there must be a boy out there who will like me for who I am. 

Yes, I know I just said that a woman does not need a man to save her. 
I just really like them. 

Who was it who said "after we have lost everything, we are free to do anything"? I've never really understood what it meant. 
Now I do. 

I'm free now. And I kinda like it. I've gotten my muchness back. 

Love, 
Heather